How to Offend Almost Everyone Without Really Trying

Think of those moments when you think of something perfect, and honest, to say about something or someone and you just say it without another thought. Yes, those moments. I have been deemed a terrible person by a handful of people who don't understand that that is just how I think. Sometimes, it's because my clinical curiosity had gotten the better of me. Other times, it's just the honest truth about how I perceive the people, things, and events around me.

Case #1:

My mother and I had participated in a towel exchange, where we are each in a group of 8 and we have to each weave 8 towels for the members of our group and ourselves.  My mom, being the smart person she was, wove a number of extra towels to give out to family members and friends as presents. I only wove as many as I needed, one for each person, one for myself, and then some samples of the design. I had found a pattern that had sheep in the border of the towels:

My mom wanted it. Oh, she really wanted one of those towels. I, being me, only wove one to keep.  At the guild meeting where we exchanged all of the towels, my mom turns to me and said, "I really wanted you to weave one for me to have." To which I replied, "Why would I weave you your own? It seems pointless to give you a duplicate of something I already own because when you die, I will just get it back. You can have mine, I won't need it."

Cue the horrific look directed at me.

Case #2:

A friend of mine had scoliosis, and thus had gone through surgery to correct her spine with a metal bar. Me, again being me, was bored and randomly thinking about random things around me.  I had an idea which prompted a question. This question was, "Is the metal in your back conductive?" Cue horrified look. "I was asking cause I was wondering what would happen if you got struck by lightning." To this, she replied, "Dear god! You're sitting here thinking up ways to kill me!"

Case #3 (The one case of slight redemption):

My grandmother makes quilts for her grandchildren when they get married as a wedding/entering adulthood gift. Me, being the youngest and probably single for a LONG while, was concerned that I would not get one. I voiced this to my mom in the following words: "I don't expect Grammy to be alive, or at least still have the ability to make quilts, by the time I marry someone so I want her to make me one and put it away for when I do." Now, I didn't quite realize how I said that until it had already come out of my mouth. Apparently, my mom had gone and repeated, in the exact wording, what I had said to Grammy, in which she started crying over the fact that I appreciate her quilts that much. I still sounded like a horrible person, even if I did get a little bit of redemption through my grammy's response...

Case #4:

I eat meat. It's not a secret. I am also an animal science major, I work with beef cattle at school, and I bring home the meat from our cattle. 

The adorable and delicious Belted Galloways!

The fact that I have no problem eating meat from an animal that I worked with offends a handful of people. Compounding on that fact, is when I say, "I can't wait for Milo to be sent off to slaughter so I can eat him because he will taste amazing since he was the biggest ass to all of us." If nothing else, that one usually offends most...

So yeah, I don't have to try, I just have to open my mouth and talk to people...that usually gets the job done.

Lunch Box out.