It has been noticed, on many occasions, that people with high IQs tend to be the most self destructive. These incidents are always accompanied with phrases like, "They were so bright, it's a shame they did drugs", "Why would they do that? They had such a promising future", or "You're so smart, if you tried harder you could be the smartest person in the world". All my life I have been on the outside of both these worlds. I have always been bright, I have a high IQ, but I have always been able to, relatively speaking, "control" my self destructive tendencies, or at least hide them with some effort. I always felt sad when "normal" people say things like that because I understand. I have been there, I am there.
And I want the "normal" people to know why.
Having a high IQ comes at a price. There is nothing you can get in this world that doesn't have a price. The obvious price is social ability. Most people can see that. The genius engineering student that doesn't leave his dorm room unless it is for class. The autistic children that can't interact like a "normal" human being. The brilliant author that cannot handle any sort of interview or social function. This is not what I plan to talk about however. This price is known by the general public, by the "normal" people.
The price I plan to talk about is the one that cannot be seen, the one that only shows itself when the individual turns to alcohol, drugs, or even suicide. It is what prevents us from utilizing our full mental capabilities.
I should probably explain my "credentials" before I get much further. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was a child, when I was the same age as my brother when he was diagnosed. At around the same time, I was given an IQ test which resulted in a relatively high IQ. As I grew up, my mother would share the musing that I probably had some symptoms that put me on the autistic spectrum. I find myself agreeing with her. Although I never had trouble initiating interactions with other children, thanks to my impulsive tendencies, I had a lot of trouble with continuous interactions. I would be so involved within my own brain to be able to read social cues of the people around me, to understand what I was saying to them, and how they were responding to me.
Throughout the years, the negative feedback that I received from my peers began to impede on my impulsive behaviors. I became more withdrawn, more introverted, which in turn, increased the explosiveness of my reactions. The impulsiveness wanted to be free, it wanted to do. By restricting it, it essentially became a shaken bottle of soda, ready to explode when it saw a chance of escaping. The worst part of all of this is that withdrawing further and further into my mind made social interactions even harder and created, within itself, a negative feedback.
I have spent years within my own mind, watching, observing, finding patterns, and finding reasons. I watched movies about geniuses and their lives and their failings. I observed friends, peers, classmates, and teachers.
I receive a lot of people who see the brilliance in something I did or said and respond with "I wish I could spend a day in your brain". No. You actually don't. In reality, a "normal" person would not be able to spend 5 minutes in my brain and survive with sanity. In summary, my brain is a dark, cruel, terrifying, and unforgiving place. The only reason I am still sane is that I grew with my brain, I experienced each dark corner as it formed and was able to build counters for them.
My brain is a question as well as the answer. It is a maze, and a riddle. I am the gatekeeper.
Welcome to my mind. Let me be your guide.
